Mickey Malta

Notes from the zone where 'normal' things don't happen very often

Posts Tagged ‘Easter

A Rocker’s Easter Sunday

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It’s finally over. This arduous journey started with a wild anarchic festival otherise known as carnival. For 5 days, we partied, drank wine and enjoyed all the things of which we were to deprive oursleves for the following 40 days.

The following 40 days were long and tough. As our stomachs growled we felt good about ourselves. The acid-induced heartburn (a result of lack of food intake from sunrise to sunset) is a vivid symbol of how one’s soul will burn in hell for eternity if they don’t follow the rules set out by our good shepherds in Rome and Floriana. Forty days of self-deprivation better known as sacrifice.

Our souls are now purified. They’re as white as belached sheets, which reminds me: I hope that all these sacrifices won’t have the same effect bleach has on sheets! Who cares? Now it’s all over. We can go back to our life. The past two weeks were terrible. Two processions in one week are no joke. I was happy to win this year’s bet amongst my kllikka at il-kazin tal-banda; but this came at a price, a big one indeed. I had to drag the heaviest metal ball of them all during the Good Friday procession. I think I may have damaged some ligaments in the process but, hey, who cares? It’s in the name of Our Lord; so it must be good, right?

During the procession, I really didn’t appreciate a funny guy’s remark saying that it would be better if we, the KKK bunch leave the procession and go to Safi and Marsa to ‘do our job’. He tried to amuse his friends standing there in the crowd like idiots munching sifneg, mqaret andpastizzi – they must have thought it was a family picnic. If it were up to me, I would have put my KKK skills into practrice by setting him on fire.

It’s a pity that the  15cm crucifix around his neck was made of solid yellow gold hanging around a necklace that was 10cm thick. Iwould have marked his shining white socks with his own blood, and for a gran finale, I would have courteously handed him over his curls after pulling them one by one from his greased long hair.

My apologies! Usually I’m not this violent, and these thoughts must be the result of a long starvation, lack of sex, lack of sweets, and constant imagery of a young man battered to death. I guess that some of the images have rubbed off on me, and that my testosterone levels must be running very high.

Anyhow. It’s all over now, and I can go back to my extramarital endeavours, playing my favourite game (1,0001 ways how to shaft the taxman), swear at immigrants, temper with water and electricity meters, and best of all, spread more and more malicious rumours about my neighbours. Enough about that now. I’ll go back to my routine tomorrow, and will then bring it to a brusque stop next year for lent.

It’s Easter Sunday today. Time to party. Wait a minute. What’s that song that I hear? Yippeeeeee. My favourite: “Young man, there’s no need to feel down, I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground……………….

"It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A"

"It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A"


Written by mickeymalta

12/04/2009 at 11:05

The father of all mysteries

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You’ve got to give it to him. The Man upstairs is brilliant. He’s exceptionally smart. To start off with, he managed to convince practically

Let's give the old Man a break

Let's give the old Man a break, shall we?

everyone that He works in mysterious ways. Every time I tried that with any of my bosses, I failed miserably. None of my bosses ever ended up worshipping me when I worked ‘in mysterious ways’. The very opposite happened.

This mystery business prompted me to try to understand the Guy better. And like one of those tornado hunters who hop in Jeeps and chase tornados all over the country, I delved deep into the only source of information we have about him . . . The Bible.

Logically speaking, I know that my methodology can be challenged, as I will base all my findings, if any, on just one source; but the problem is that it’s the ONLY source. Hence, for the purpose of this exercise, please don’t doubt the scriptures. You have to assume that they’re accurate, and the information they give us as, well . . . . . gospel truth.

The first mystery I would like to solve one day is: if He created man in His own image, then humans must act roughly in the same way He does – give or take a few exceptions here and there. But that’s not the case. The Bible tells us how in the early stages, He acted in a diametrically opposed manner to humans.

He started off as a grumpy, angry old Man in the peak of midlife crises. Then, all of a sudden, at the turn of the page, He turned into a gentle, kind, and forgiving kinda Guy. One day He’s chucking people out of a beautiful, serene garden and punishing them for eternity; or flooding the entire planet; or turning the River Nile to blood; or sending endless plagues and punishments to everyone who dared to do something He didn’t like, and the other He plants the seeds for the hippie movement (that followed roughly 1,964 years later) by sending a third of Him to talk about love, peace, and forgiveness.

However, there are some consistencies in His tricks and behaviour. In the New Testament, he still changed the chemical properties of water in one fell swoop. This time, instead of turning water into blood, He enabled His son to turn it into good quality wine. The purpose of this is still unclear to me, though. Did He do it to spite Muhammed and his alcohol-free followers, or to convey the message that if you’re drunk, you need to drink more wine rather than water? I wonder what Sedqa has to say about this.

Another mystery that baffles me is: what’s His problem with sons? He asked Abraham to kill his own son; He killed Egypt’s first-born sons;  He allowed Herod to kill the first-born sons in the year 0000; and . . . He killed His own son!  For some odd and unexplainable reason, daughters seem to have had it better, though. Ask Jairus.

Even though at a later stage of His life He seemed to  have chilled out a bit, one could still notice traces of the bitterness reminiscent of the midlife (in His case, it must have been early life) crises. So, He sends His son to Earth, and in doing so, He negates the pleasure of sex to a poor carpenter. Imagine how he must have felt when his girlfriend went up to him and said: “hey Joey. Guess what. I’m pregnant! I know it’s not yours; but don’t be upset. It happened through . . . . Divine intervention!” I can just imagine poor Joey going “Divine intervention? Well, that’s ok then. For a minute, I thought that Zack the blacksmith round the corner had something to do with it. Phew”.

So after years of research, scrutiny, interviews with experts, and sleepless nights trying to understand these mysteries, I concluded that it’s all down to stress. Creating a whole universe is no joke, and instead of searing, we must be emphatic. Let’s give the good Man a break, poor guy.

Written by mickeymalta

10/04/2009 at 15:21

It’s either the meat or your soul that will be grilled today

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Don't worry, you won't burn for eternity if you eat this today

Don't worry, you won't burn for eternity if you eat this today

I just love the way we celebrate Good Friday on these islands. It brings out the true colours of my fellow Rockers. Many people make it a point not to eat meat. Any Rocker who eats meat on this day will be doomed for eternity.

Anyone with half a gram of grey matter between the ears can figure out how ludicrous this tradition is. It may have possibly made sense in the past – where meat was a luxury.  But that was 50 years ago. Life has change significantly since then, and nowadays there are many kinds of other food that’s considered as a delicacy other than. There’s also a growing number of vegetarians and vegans who don’t eat meat 24x7x365. Every day is Good Friday for them.

What beats me is that many people fail to see the irony behind this issue. They make it a point not to eat meat, but they still eat like there’s no tomorrow. What kind of sacrifice is that? We’re just kidding ourselves. It is so condescending on the supreme being. We must really think that he/she/it is a complete idiot. If there is a god, then he/she/it must be really offended by this kind of behaviour.

To think that He’s proud of us because we’re not eating meat on the day that His son technically committed suicide (but on the other hand we’re STILL eating like pigs when we’re supposed to be fasting and depriving ourselves of goodies) must be naive at best, and downright stupid at the very worst.  If people really want to fast, they should do it the Muslim way; although I personally don’t agree with the concept of self-deprivation. In contrast, I think that from a Christian point of view,  it would be better to encourage people do perform good deeds rather than be nasty to themselves to make them(selves) pay for their wrongdoing.

So here’s a Christian test for you. Many people willingly follow the Curia’s instructions not to eat meat on this day. Let’s imagine that the bishops suddenly decide to put Christianity into practice and advise their flock to perform good deeds to compensate for their sins. Let’s imagine that they won’t just stop at that. To make it more exciting, they raise the stakes. They advise the faithful to go to the detention centres and make this day a special one for the detainees. What will the outcome be? Did I hear “a total flop”? No doubt about that.

It’s so easy to kid yourself into believing that you’re making a sacrifice by not eating meat yet still satisfying your appetite on a public holiday. Forget about Christ and his beatitudes. The good Samaritan was a schizo, and the author who wrote that god created “man in his own image” was already in metaphor mood as he was gearing up for the snake and the apple story. In fact, he go so carried away, that he overlooked a fine detail: he gave Adam and Eve two sons; but let’s not go there shall we?

The Curia’s instructions (or shall we say orders?) to its faithful not to eat meat on Good Friday shows how patronising church authorities are. If it wants people to deprive themselves, why doesn’t the church tell its followers to decide for themselves on the kind of sacrifice they want to do? Why is the church so scared of letting people using their brains? This attitude only serves to reinforce the traditional (or folkloristic, as Fr Mark Montebello referred to it last Wednesday: http://www.maltatoday.com.mt/2009/04/08/t2.html) function of Religion.

As members of society become more learned, more and more individuals are realising how archaic and out of synch organised religions are. Hence the reason why the number of people who are rejecting organised religion is on the rise year on year.

The Catholic Church’s fossilised traditions and skewed views on many issues that don’t reflect today’s realities (take its teachings on sexuality and the portrayal of women’s role in the family as being the submissive one, for example) tend to make people’s decision to leave so much easier.

Morality is much more important than rituals and ceremonies for the masses.

Written by mickeymalta

10/04/2009 at 12:14